happy birthday Kelley

Today would have been Kelley’s sixteenth birthday. Naturally, this is a day of deep reflection for me. I decided that I might as well share some of my thoughts with you, my online friends.

As I sit here at my desk, I have had the pleasure of watching multiple Western Tiger Swallowtail butterflies flitting around just outside my window. (Yes, I had to look up the official identification so I could impress you all with my knowledge of insects.) There are many more than I am used to seeing. I’ve decided to take this as a special gift from God today. He is so kind and generous to me. Butterflies reveal life transformed. This is how I think of Kelley. She is alive in a way I have yet to see, beyond my imagination. She now exceeds any man-made beauty or cleaver costumes one could design.

These thoughts bring me hope and even a small smile to my lips. Yet I still grieve. I mourn the loss of this day as it should have been. We had talked of an elaborate sweet sixteen party with a white tent in the back yard, Eiffel tower vases with white ostrich feathers on the tables, music and friends. I love all the friends Kelley and I made together through the years and I am truly happy when they have opportunity to celebrate life and its milestones. However, it is still painful to see all the birthday parties and proms and graduations posted on social media. I mourn the lost times that never were.

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Kelley’s 15th Birthday

I know there is no earthly celebration that compares with her joy in Heaven. There is no dance performance that matches the exhilaration of dancing before the throne of God. But there is one thing lacking in these experiences, the ability for me to share it with her. The lack is felt only by me as there are no tears in Heaven. I have not been able, no matter my efforts, to put aside my selfish desire to be with her. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss getting up early and driving her to school for jazz band. I miss singing in the car to the radio. I miss making up dance moves to songs while playing board games and I miss twirling around the dance floor at weddings or wherever the opportunity arose. I eagerly anticipate the day when we will dance together again in Heaven. Until then, Happy Birthday Princess.

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Our Last Dance

4 thoughts on “happy birthday Kelley

  1. I understand how you feel, Tamera. I really miss her too. A lot. And I’ll never see her again. I really enjoyed the time I had with her, along with your whole family. I find the sight of plenty of those particular butterflies a fascinating thing to read.

    I don’t want to talk in a tone of of melancholy and in an upset fashion.

    I really do miss you all though, and I really wished I coulda told her myself happy sweet 16th. I know I said this before, but I really liked her.. A lot. (my first crush in fact ) but I don’t want to sound like Im mopey.

    I suppose where this is going is that I will never forget her, and I was really depressed when I heard the awful news at first, and it still affects me. But I wholeheartedly understand how you feel.. (or at least sorta do.. ) but with the time I had with her, though brief, I will never forget from her, and I really enjoyed the time I had with her as my best friends sister.

    Anyways, continuing onwards, I was gonna note something about the butterflies. There was this weird Tim Burton movie (I didn’t really like the movie personally) called Corpse bride. The relevance between the two is that in the end of the movie, there’s an emotional seen where the undead gal turns into a tonna butterflies as she disappears.

    In a way, that particular seen in that movie made me think of her.

    Sorry for the rant here, I know it’s not a very well written series of paragraphs.

    But my point is, I find this very interesting because perhaps these butterflies were a symbol of release.

    I imagine the event absolutely beautiful with butterflies like those.

    I wasn’t there, of course.

    But I want to tell you that you’re not alone, and I still miss and care about you all.

    But regardless, I would love to say yet again Happy Sweet 16th, Kelley and the Krantz’s!

    I dunno. But yeah. That was fascinating to me how there was that butterfly spectacle. I can really emotionally relate to that even though I wasn’t there to witness the event. But I imagine it so peaceful, quiet, bright and beautiful. And that would be how I would describe Kelley too. Peaceful, quiet (soemtimes, haha ) bright and beautiful. I hope that any of this was remotely relevant.

    But I find that to make perfect sense.
    Also. Hi Joey! (OK I’m done here)

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    • Thank you for your thoughts Michael. We miss you being close enough to walk over to our house, hang out and have dinner with the family. I’m sure we’ll see you again soon.

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  2. Oh Tamara,
    You have such an amazing gift with words,
    yet not as impressive as your faith and unconditional love for your children, the combination of your ability to express such genuine love and the undertaking of your heart wrenching journey; walking through your time on earth without Kelley, brings me to my knees.

    Bless you Tammy! Thank you for sharing your journey, you inspire me to grasp for purpose during my difficult times, I am grateful for the inspiration that I am able to draw from you words, your courage and your capacity of usefulness and the endurance of your love.

    Prayers to lesson your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Bronwyn. We all have both pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy in our journey. I’m glad for friends like you to walk with.

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